


I Can't Love You

by TheLaziestMotherfucker



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Abandonment Issues, Break Up, Child Abandonment, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Honestly my heart is bursting with angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, ansgt, wowowow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 02:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15765087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLaziestMotherfucker/pseuds/TheLaziestMotherfucker
Summary: “You’re perfect. You’re just not perfect for me.”





	1. What's Wrong With Me?

**Author's Note:**

> ANGST I CAN'T BELIEVE NOAH SAID THAT SHIT

_“You’re perfect. You’re just not perfect for me._ ” 

Jude wasn’t perfect. He has never been perfect; in fact, he’s always considered himself to be furthest thing from it. He wanted to be perfect. He wanted to be perfect for everybody. He wanted to be perfect person for someone else to desire in their life. He’s never been that person… Once again, for probably the millionth time in his life, he was the “perfect” person to throw aside. He would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t used to it. 

_“I can’t love you.”_

Now he was shaking… His hands, his knees, his chest, he was ready to fall apart. His body felt weak as if he had been hit, but yet there was this feeling of anticipation. He was ready for the next blow to come. Maybe it would come when the words finally sunk in. Maybe it would come again years later when someone else told him that. That he was “perfect” but they didn’t love him. 

The one consistent in his life. That line was his life’s story. 

Jude walked down the beach in the opposite direction of Noah and the wedding. He couldn’t go back there, especially not to a - a _wedding_. His feet carried him quickly but not fast enough, and most certainly not far enough. 

His eyes were burning. He tried blinking – tried to keep any tears from rising – but it didn’t help. His vision was blurry, eyes filled with tears. With every blink they spilled out and fell down his face. His wiped them away, he _tried_ wiping them away, he didn’t want to cry. Not here, not now. Not until he was far enough from the wedding. 

He glanced over his shoulder. He didn’t see anyone, surprise, surprise, but it still wasn’t far enough. He didn’t think that he could _ever_ be far enough. No, he would never be able to put enough distance between him and someone else. Despite his efforts, he would never be able to keep himself from falling for someone else, and he would never be able to keep himself form inevitably getting his heart broken. 

He fell down into the sand, feet in the water and but sitting on damp sand. He hugged his stomach, hoping to ease the pain, and he sobbed.

 

**xXx**

 

There was a knock at the door. He heard it, he acknowledged it, and he assumed that it was a package. He decided that he would get it later. He should’ve known better than to convince himself of that. There was another knock; fiercer and louder than the one before. _Lionel_ , he thought to himself. 

She was the one person he had in his life, and he was forever grateful for her, but he and Lionel were very different. They were different in the best of ways and they were able to help each other in the best of ways as well, but this was one of the moments where he didn’t want to see her at all. Jude does so much. He feels like he’s constantly working at something, and right now he wants to do nothing more than fall apart and literally do nothing but lie on his couch. Lionel would make him do something, hence the hesitation. 

He dragged himself from the couch, feet dragging on the floor, and unlocked the door. He didn’t open it, he didn’t want her to see his puffy face, so he turned around and let her open it to avoid her questions. Apparently, hiding his face wasn’t enough. 

Her voice was soft. Jude didn’t know what she knew, or if she knew anything at all, but she asked in that soft, worried, comforting voice, “What happened?” 

Jude didn’t sit on the couch again, instead he sat on the floor, leaning his back on the couch. He faced toward the black tv, avoiding Lionel’s worried face. His jaw was clenched, not wanting to talk about it, and hoping she would drop it, but who was he kidding, this was Lionel. Jude used to think that Zero knew him better than anyone else, but not he was thinking that it was probably Lionel. Zero didn’t see was he was like after the break up. He didn’t see him at his lowest. No else but Lionel saw. 

She dropped her keys and her bag on the cabinet. She took off her heels, walked over, and sat on the couch, knees right next to his head. Jude shook his head, now staring at his hands. “He…” He whimpered out, stopping to take a deep breath and swallow the throat ripping sob that sat in his mouth. “He said he couldn’t love me.” 

He thought he was done crying but a tear fell right onto his hands. 

“Noah?” She asked, sounding quite disbelieving. Her sharp finger nails brushed his hair back, probably trying to get Jude to look at her. He nodded his head. “Okay, what did he say exactly?” She asked next. Jude knew why she was asking. He had a habit of twisting the truth of his relationships to her in an attempt to get out of talking about it. For once, he wasn’t, but he understood why she was pushing for more info. 

“He said that exactly,” He whispered, finally turning to look up at her. “He said that I was too secretive. That I was “perfect” but not perfect for him.” He used air quotes around perfect, rolling his eyes a bit as he said it. “And that he couldn’t love me.” 

Lionel’s blue eyes were still filled with disbelief, but not for him. Noah was sweet and open – hell, he didn’t go to New York because of him – and during that time he was never known him to be harsh, and Jude – _fuck_ , he really, really liked him, and he thought Noah liked him, too. He was brave. He kissed him in the rain. He thought that they would be together for at least a little while longer. He thought that in due time he would be able to actually open up to him, tell him about Oscar, tell him about _Zero_ , but he guessed that that wasn’t happening now. 

That sob came ripping out. He leaned his head against Lionel’s knees and she ran her fingers through his hair, eventually pressing a quick, gently kiss to his head. 

“Why does this keep happening?” He asked, knowing full well that Lionel didn’t know. “What’s wrong with me?” 

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” She said, voice still soft. Sometimes, Lionel pushed Jude outside of his comfort box. He liked his comfort box and he never liked to adventure out of it, but thanks to Lionel he did and he was grateful. Sometimes, sometimes she knew that this was exactly what he needed. Sometimes he didn’t need to go out and get laid, sometimes he just needed to lie down and let it out. 

He didn’t believe her words. He never did. He didn’t believe anyone’s words about him to be quite honest. Nothing about his personality, at least. Unless he descriptions involved him being clueless, inexperienced, needy, etc., then he believed them, after all that was what he was. If it was anything positive, he didn’t believe them. He didn’t believe that there was nothing wrong with him. He didn’t believe that he was “perfect.” 

Jude Kinkade was the guy everyone ran away from. He has been since he was child and he will be on his death bed.


	2. Should I Say?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day...

Jude was quick as picking himself up. He always has been and he figured that he always will be. He wasn’t good, he would hardly ever say that he was okay, but he could make everyone else think he was - well, everyone except Lionel. He dressed himself up, putting the title of the Devil Owner back on his shoulders, putting the appearance of business confidence on his face and in his body, he made himself the person that people either believed or wanted. If there was anything Jude was good at, it was business, and being or pretending to be confident while doing it.

It hadn’t even been a whole day but no one would be able to guess that there was this painful ache in his chest. He would be at work, doing something that he knew how to do - doing something that always made sense and would continue to make sense in the future.

Lionel says he works too much and it’s 100% true. His job makes sense to Jude and even when he has the shittiest, lowest ranking one at the company, he is still able to climb up. It makes sense, and he’s good at it, and it distracts him from stuff he doesn’t know and isn’t good at. People often think that whenever someone works too much it’s because no one likes them, or they don’t have any friends, or they have no social life. Outside of Lionel, this is true for Jude, but he hates how those people also leave out the other side. Maybe the reason why some people work too much is because those are the only moments they feel confident - they feel okay.

Drowning himself in work is never the answer, but nevertheless he does it because he’s good at it. For someone who always feels like a mess, feeling confident feels really good. It’s a miracle he feels that at any point.

 

**xXx**

 

Jude was a handler. He thought of himself to be, so much so that he told Noah that after he tried to get him transferred. But being a handler and maintaining a good working environment (well, as good as the Devils environment could be), that didn’t stop him from looking down at his phone and pretending not to see Noah when they passed each other in the hallway. A twinge of guilt poked at his gut but he ignored it. He tried to tell himself that Noah should’ve expected this kind of reaction. He opened up to him only for him to break up with him.

Jude wasn’t facing him. Not when that literally happened yesterday.

 

**xXx**

 

Jude’s head shot up at the knock at the door. His stomach quickly twisted when he saw Noah standing there under the doorway. Jude looked down at the papers on his desk, continuing to do his work. “Can I help you?” He asked, voice firm and professional, no one would’ve been able to guess that they were boyfriends, let alone less than 24 hours ago.

He heard the sound of the door closing shut, followed by footsteps approaching his desk, then Noah sitting down. Jude refused to look up. His hand kept moving - kept writing - as if his focus was completely on it. His mind was miles away, Jude was only half reading the documents that he was signing. He would go over them later.

“Lionel came to talk to me earlier,” Noah said, breaking the tense silence in the room. That was a way to make Jude look at him. His eyes met his ex’s, and there was something in them. It wasn’t cautious or nervous, but more pitiful and sad. What the hell did Lionel tell him? His body tensed as a million guesses ran through his mind, and he was sure that a few of them were right.

Jude leaned back in his chair, giving up on his professional and focused act. His hands intertwined with each other and rest in his lap. “What did she tell you?” He asked, voice completely different than it had been a second ago. He wasn’t looking at Noah anymore, too nervous about the words that he was going to say. Instead, he stared down at his fidgeting fingers, hoping to hide any sort of clue that his face might give away.

“Well, for starters she yelled at me,” Noah said, with a hint of amusement in his voice. Jude could tell by his voice that a very small smile played at Noah’s lips without even having to look at him. He didn’t get why he found it amusing, he didn’t get why Noah found so many things to be amusing, but he didn’t ask. “Then she said a few things about…”

“About?” Jude pressed, images of Zero and Oscar popping up into his head.

Noah looked hesitant to say. His mouth was open, trying o choose his words. “Well, about you, I guess, but…She was really vague.”

“Vague about what?” Jude pressed again, getting irritated that Noah wouldn’t tell him.

“About Zero,” He answered. Eyes flicked up to meet Jude’s. “She didn’t tell me what, but… She just said that it,” He paused, clearing his throat. “That it left you guarded, and I - I don’t know - wanted to see if that was true.”

And he didn’t know what to say to that. It wasn’t like Noah was going to take him back if he answered. He will still be secretive and guarded in the months to come. Noah didn’t last a month with Jude behaving the way he did, he didn’t think that there was a chance he would last close to a year. A year would be a liberal estimate if he was being honest.

He didn’t see the point in answering. A part of him wanted to answer, thinking that maybe it would good to have some support outside of Lionel, but… Zero was so personal to him - so _important_ \- that he didn’t want to share it with anyone he wasn’t close to. He learned with Lucas that oversharing about past relationships in to small of a time frame can easily make guys - or anyone for that matter - go running for the hills. Noah was already past the hills, so maybe he didn’t have anything to lose, but that scared part of him, of pushing someone even further away made him cling onto his secret.

His mind was racing. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t realize it with being too wrapped up in his own head, but he nodded. It was small, it was shy, it was like the boy that Jude still was deep down. He didn’t look at Noah. He didn’t want his pity, he didn’t want to talk, he wanted to disappear.

“Can I ask what happened?” He asked, voice soft. Jude wanted to give in to that voice. It was so comforting and genuine sounding that Jude wanted to confess everything to him, but like Noah said, he can’t keep a secret. Jude and Zero kept their relationship private and their break up even quieter. They loved each other, and even when they parted they respected each other. They didn’t want the nosy, disrespectful paparazzi making it harder than it already was. Jude wasn’t about to change that.

“Thought you said you couldn’t keep a secret?” He said, playing his own words back to him.

“This would be off the record,” He said, voice still sounding as genuine as it did before. “I promise, Jude.”

And so it was left to him. His heart was aching to open up, it was practically splitting in half to decide. Does he open up and risk pushing someone even further away? Or does he indulge himself and give in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OoOoOoOoh a kind of cliffhanger

**Author's Note:**

> I love Noah but what even


End file.
